February 2008

Century of the child

While it cannot be ignored that children are generally smaller, weaker, and less knowledgeable than adults, the modern focus on children’s vulnerabilities has made many of us forget that children are also naturally resilient, resourceful, and capable.

In many ways, the beginning of the 21st Century is a fortunate time to be writing about parents and children. More than 100 years of research has given us a tremendous amount of information about children and how they grow and learn. We now know how children’s brains develop, how they learn language and motor skills, how they discover social skills and how they learn to understand the differences between “right” and “wrong.” By now, we should have kids all figured out, right?

Well, after studying American children more thoroughly than almost any other population on earth, the results are in: children are not just “little adults,” but they are every bit as complicated and difficult to understand and train as any grown-up is. Just as there is no one “right” way for every adult to live successfully, there is no one “right” way to raise children for a successful adulthood.

This is not how it was supposed to be! The child welfare reformers and activists who named the 20th century the “Century of the Child,” believed that scientific advances would free modern parents from the worries and anxieties of former generations. But, from the beginning, experts had their doubts that few, if any, parents were really up to the job of raising children for the modern world. Although the point of researching child development was supposed to be the promotion of children’s health and happiness, scientists tended to focus on children’s problems and deficiencies. The root of these problems was almost always, (surprise, surprise!) traced back to the parents. Mothers were too emotional or not warm enough; too likely to “smother” their children or failing to respond to their children. Fathers were too distant or too controlling, too harsh or not strict enough.

The relentless focus on parenting deficiencies has led to what I think is one of the biggest problems parents face today: the tremendous burden to try to get it “right” for the best possible outcome for their children. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, many parents have been led to believe that they are almost solely responsible for how their children turn out. Not only is that an enormous weight of responsibility for the parents—it also deprecates the more important part that children play in choosing for themselves who they want to be and how they want to live their lives. Parents, of course, have enormous influence in their child’s development, but influence is not the same thing as control over the outcome.

It is well known, for instance, that some children grow up with every advantage from loving parents in a secure home, yet waste those opportunities to live a useless life. Other children grow up in terrible circumstances, yet defy the odds and develop their capacities to the fullest to live a productive and satisfying life.

Is it possible that when parents do everything in their power to make their child’s life happy and successful, they are also undermining the child’s own ability to find happiness and success? Every child, privileged or deprived, has their own internal drive to grow and become more capable unless thwarted by circumstances or discouragement. When parents take on more and more of the work to direct a child towards success, the child is going to make less of an effort to work for their own success.

This brings me to the second problem: I think that the “Century of the Child” obscured and minimized just how capable children really can be. While it cannot be ignored that children are generally smaller, weaker, and less knowledgeable than adults, the modern focus on children’s vulnerabilities has made many of us forget that children are also naturally resilient, resourceful, and capable.

In the era that preceded the “Century of the Child,” for instance, children (especially boys) were encouraged to develop their “pluck” or courage. Children’s books and magazines emphasized stories where children were bold in the face of danger and strong in the face of temptation. At a time when one in six children died before their 5th birthday, child rearing was focused almost entirely on raising children who would be physically healthy and morally strong. How ironic it is that, as children overall have become physically healthier in modern time, they have also become increasingly vulnerable and dependent upon adults.

No one, to my knowledge, has given a name to the 21st century yet—but I have a suggestion. How about dedicating this century to the rediscovery and appreciation of how capable children really can be? Let’s make giving children opportunities to grow their courage every bit as important as protecting them from danger.

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