March 2008

Trust

Every time we trust our children’s abilities to figure things out, to make good choices for themselves, to learn from their mistakes, and to find their own good path through life—we have given them the gift of love, with respect.

The late humorist, Erma Bombeck, once wrote a funny essay about entertaining our dinner guests the same way we talk to our children. “Get your elbows off the table, Jim, and please don’t talk with your mouth full! Emily, I remember you were telling me what you learned the other day about growing roses. I certainly hope you are taking your studies seriously, because you’ll never be really good at gardening unless you work hard. Oops, Jim, you spilled some of your wine! Tsk, tsk, I’ll wipe it up for you…that was certainly careless of you…EMILY! No more interruptions or you will be sent home! Mike hadn’t finished what he was saying yet! Go ahead, dear, finish telling us your story…”

It’s funny to think about talking this way to adults, because the very idea of being so disrespectful with our friends is ridiculous. But this is exactly what children often hear, and it’s certainly not funny for them.

Matthew’s parents like to tease their kids, and usually it’s all in good fun. Yet the parents’ casual jokes are not always as funny for their children as they think they are. Mom and Dad would be very surprised to learn that their off-hand remarks last weekend to visiting friends about “We know our Matthew is a real klutz at sports, but we still love him!” later stung their son to tears.

Gillian enjoys dawdling in the morning, and her parents usually put a lot of effort into cajoling and nagging her to hurry. This morning, though, her father was extra anxious about a meeting he had later that morning, and he blew his top with Gillian. “GET A MOVE ON, SLOW-POKE!” he yelled. “I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY!” Gillian was startled into jumping into action at first, but got her revenge by refusing to get out of the car at school because she “hated” the outfit that her mother had made her wear that day.

Jonathan’s parents are unhappy with some poor grades on his most recent report card. Without ever asking him what he thought about his progress, they jumped right into giving him the usual lecture about “The Importance of Studying Hard and Making Good Grades!” Then, they let him know that he would not be able to go back to karate lessons until his grades improved. Just as his parents expected, Jonathan was shocked by their punishment. What they did not realize, though, is that Jonathan now feels insulted and is even less interested in working to bring his grades back up. “What the heck does karate have to do with Social Studies, anyway?!” he fumed.

Why does it matter whether we treat a child with respect? First, because love, without respect, isn’t love. Mom and Dad can say “I love you!” a million times, but if they also belittle and overpower their child for laughs and for control—any expressions of love are going to have a hollow ring.

Secondly, discipline without respect is not going to work in the long run. The root of the word “discipline” is “to teach”— a very different thing from discipline that hurts, embarrasses, or makes a child do what the parent wants .

Finally, disrespect undermines the very goals that parents want most for their children:

Parents want their children to have self-confidence. Making fun of a child, especially in front of outsiders, gives a child the message that their dignity and self-worth is not worthy of respect.

Parents want their children to get themselves ready on time. Yelling at a child to hurry gives a child the message that you don’t believe that they can make the choice between getting ready on time or dealing with the consequences of missing breakfast or putting their school clothes on in the car.

Parents want their children to become self-sufficient. Routinely doing something for a child that they can do for themselves (such as making their lunch for them) is disrespectful, because it gives a child the message that you don’t believe they can do what they need to do for themselves, or deal with the consequences of not having a lunch that day.

Parents want their children to be motivated and willing to work for success. Lecturing a child about success and punishing a child for failure are discouraging and disrespectful because it gives the child the message that you do not believe they can motivate and work for themselves.

Parents want their children to treat themselves with self-respect and to treat others with respect. Every time we trust our children’s abilities to figure things out, to make good choices for themselves, to learn from their mistakes, and to find their own good path through life—we have given them the gift of love, with respect.

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