May 2008

Limits With Love

Good limits are like the walls of a house—they help children feel safe and cared for. Much of what seems like a child protesting against limits is really the child testing the parent, not the limits.

“Mary Ann! It’s time to go!”

“Not yet, Dad! Just one more swing, ok?!”

A few minutes later, and Dad says, “OK! You had your last swing, now let’s go!”

“Nooooo! I don’t wanna go!” Mary Ann declares, as she continues to swing.

Dad hesitates, he likes to think of himself as a fairly nice and reasonable person. After all, it is a beautiful day, and Mary Ann is enjoying herself. And who wants to walk home with a screaming child?

Setting and upholding limits… most Moms and Dads hate this part of the job of being a parent. It seems like such a no-win situation. Why is it, for instance, that the more the parent tries to be “nice and reasonable” about upholding limits, the less likely it is the children will be “nice and reasonable” in response? Would anyone listening to this exchange between Mary Ann and her father, for instance, predict that Mary Ann will soon get off the swing, warmly thank her father for the extra play time, and happily leave the playground?!

“Mom! Can I watch TV now?”

“No, Max. Tonight is a school night… no TV.”

“But, Daddy let me watch my show last week at his house, and it was a school night too! Pleeeeeease, Mom! I don’t have homework tonight! Please let me watch my show, just this time?!”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore Max. You know the rules for this house.”

“Well, it’s a stupid rule! You just made up this rule because you are so MEAN! I hate staying at your house!”

Poor Mom. She feels pretty lonely as she upholds her “no TV on school nights” limit. Little did she think, when she first established this household rule, that she would get so much grief about it from Max. Now she questions herself, “Is it really worth it to uphold the ‘no TV on school nights rule’? Am I going to have to go through this every night?”

In fact, it is important to uphold your limits with your kids. As a parent, you set limits in your family that are based upon your values and principles. These values and principles are worth standing up for: “No hitting.” “Don’t say mean words.”

“Pick up your socks.” “It’s time to go to bed.” There are important principles underneath these limits, such as kindness, courtesy, cleaning up after oneself, and following a healthy routine. When parents care enough to set a limit, then the limit is worth upholding.

In the first vignette above, Dad asks Mary Ann to leave the playground with him because it is time for Mary Ann to go home and get started with her bath and bedtime routine. Pushing the bedtime routine until later that night, will mean that Mary Ann is more likely to get to bed late and her parents will have less of their own quiet evening time tonight. Upholding a limit for how long to stay at the playground respects the value of following a work/play/rest routine that benefits everyone in the family—including Mary Ann.

In the second vignette, Mom has made a “No TV on school nights” limit for her son, based upon her values for creating a home environment that supports good learning habits. She is willing to follow the same limits and records her favorite TV shows to watch later on the weekend. Her job of upholding her limit is harder, because Max’s Dad doesn’t have the same rule at his house. When Max’s Mom upholds her limit about “No TV on school nights,” she models self-respect in upholding her values, as well as respect for Max’s need for a calm, distraction-free home environment on school nights.

Good limits are like the walls of a house—both give children the sense that they are safe and cared for. Much of what seems like a child protesting against limits is really a child testing the parent, not the limits. Children often test their parents to find out whether they “say what they mean, and mean what they say.” The more a parent tries to be “nice” and gives in to “just this once” and “five minutes more,” then the more uncertain a child is whether their parent ever says what they mean, and means what they say. When children are unsure about whether they can trust their parents’ word, they are likely to push the limits over and over again.

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