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July 2008
Kids and computers
Fifteen year old Matthew is at the 14th level of his online game. He got there by spending more and more time online, building alliances and raising his score. Along the way, he has also strengthened his planning and strategy skills…but his parents are becoming concerned, because he is now spending most of his waking hours online, and he overreacts furiously when they suggest that he join them for dinner, help out with some chores, or even go out to a movie with friends.
Seven year old Molly is an only child who has had trouble making friends, and is usually playing alone when she isn’t at school or camp. Lately, she has been excited by a new game on line that ties in with a toy she got for her birthday. And now, her babysitter cannot persuade her to leave the computer to go to the pool or playground. Molly’s parents are worried because the pediatrician recommended that Molly needs more exercise to maintain a healthy weight.
Family therapists, like myself, have been hearing more and more about problems that stem from what some are calling “Internet addictions.” There are similar reports from European and Asian countries where there is widespread access to the Internet. Not everyone agrees that overusing the Internet is an addiction. Problems created by spending too much time on the computer may be similar to eating, shopping, and watching TV compulsions. Whether we end up calling it an addiction or a compulsion, overusing the computer is creating real problems for many families today. With Internet and video game addiction support groups on most college campuses, it is also important for parents to teach their kids the skills they need to manage their computer and gaming time.
Here are some warning signs of Internet or computer overuse:
Using the Internet or computer to escape from personal problems and/or unhappy feelings.
Experiencing a sense of well-being or euphoria primarily when using the computer.
Regularly losing track of time while using the computer.
Inability to stop oneself when using the computer.
Sacrificing eating, sleeping, and social interactions to spend more time online.
Lying to others about the amount of time or activities on the computer.
Irritability, restlessness, and/or anxiety when not using the computer for a lengthy time.
Often, adults with problems caused by overusing the computer will recognize the problem and can choose to cut back on their time on line. But, children and teens, who are still developing their “executive functioning” skills, may have a harder time. Some children are more vulnerable because they have trouble with self-regulation. Other children may be drawn to live online, because they are struggling with problems they don’t want to face, such as feelings of sadness, loneliness, or a lack of self-confidence. Learning how to face such problems and overcome them is part of growing up—but it has to happen in the real world we live in, not in cyber-space.
Kids who are avoiding their problems by living through computer games may need help from their parents and other adults. One obvious place to start is by monitoring and limiting your child’s time on the computer. Rather than the parents serving as the computer “police,” it is often useful to purchase a timing program that automatically switches off a computer game or Internet access.
Many families have worked together to come up with an agreed upon “screen-time” plan for how much time a child is watching TV, a video, or is on the computer. Often, kids are relieved to have an adult give them a limit for “screen-time,” because it is so difficult for them to limit themselves. The biggest difficulty is usually the issue of enforcement—who says when it is time to turn it off, and does it really get turned off? This is where it is helpful for the parent to stay out of it, and let the timer or the program turn off the computer or the tv automatically.
Naturally, there will be times when the child circumvents or disconnects the program. That is usually the best time to remove the computer or the TV completely for a while—until the parent is ready to trust the child to follow the agreed upon plan again. In the end, we all have to learn to live with computers and televisions and all the other distractions there are in life.
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