Vote for Gilbert!

Dear Readers,
After long, thoughtful, thorough consideration, Your Gilbert has made the momentus and historical decision to throw our hat in the ring. Yes, we are putting forward our name as a candidate for city office.

The other candidate will say it is too late, that the election was yesterday. This is a cowardly thing to say! Obviously our opponent is afraid to face us! Fear is an ugly thing, and so is our opponent! But, we won’t stoop to the same name calling and mud slinging tactics of the other side.

We waste no time on introductions, we know we are already beloved by all. Let us get straight to the campaign platform, a platform based on good old Takoma Park values!

1). Annex the Takoma Metro station to the city. Turn the grounds into a wetlands.
2). Seize all State Highway Administration roads and Montgomery County schools, parks, and other property and facilities.
3). Establish the Takoma Park School District. Abolish grades, magnet and honors programs, and all other competitive, non-egalitarian, oppressive systems.
4). Demand the county and state rebate all our tax money to run, maintain, and improve our schools, roads, and parks.
5). Pass Mortgage Stabilization laws on the same principles as our Rent Stabilization ordinances.
6). Convert the city community center so it can be turned into a shopping mall in the evening hours.
7). Rename the Takoma Park Community Center Sam Abbott Citizens Center “City Hall.” Add “Sam Abbott Citizens Center” below.
8). Keep the hospital no matter what it takes! But, when we lose it, turn the building into a gym.

Vote Yesterday for Gilbert Today!
— Your Gilbert
NEXT POST: “We Demand A Recount!”.

About the Author

Gilbert
Gilbert is the pseudonym of a hard-bitten, hard-drinking, long-time Takoma Park resident who maintains the granolapark blog. Gilbert and William L. Brown — Granola Park's mild-mannered chief of staff, researcher, and drink pourer — have never been seen in the same place at the same time.

2 Comments on "Vote for Gilbert!"

  1. Tom Gagliardo | November 7, 2007 at 10:47 am |

    Gilbert, you fool. I would have voted for you. Instead I wasted my vote on Hugo Chavez. Hey, no hard feelings. I love you, man.

  2. &#$%!! technology! It refuses to post this comment from Tom Gagliardo:
    He assumes Your Gilbert is/was running for mayor, however. We were running in every race, especially the ones with no opposing candidate. Running in multiple races increases the odds in our favor, which are very low considering the election is over.
    — Gilbert
    Now that Gilbert’s in the race, here are my predictions:
    828 votes for Mayor Williams
    827 for Gilbert
    1 for Hugo Chavez
    254 for Mr. Right
    137 for Ms. Clay
    234 for Mr. Robinson
    112 for Ms. Bowers
    116 for Mr. Seamens
    50 for Mr. Snipper
    45 for Mr. Barry
    Again, I would note that the combined votes in Wards 4, 5 and 6 are less than the vote in Ward 1 alone or Ward 3 alone. You can’t be elected mayor unless you can win that part of town.
    (from Tom Gagliardo)

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