BY WILL UBEFULED
APRIL 1, 12:01 am: Today’s blizzard, say weather forecasters, will dump up to 30 inches of snow on the region.
Winter-weary jurisdictions such as the city of Takoma Park, Montgomery County, and Washington, DC announced last night that most public buildings and functions will be closed today. In fact, all local governments have canceled activities for the entire month of April.
“Every time we think Spring is here, another snow storm hits!” said regional government spokesperson Dan Durakov. “We give up!” he said, “We’re basically going into hibernation for a month. Surely, winter will be over by May. Don’t you think? Don’t you?”
Even Takoma Park’s Public Works Department, widely praised for its snow removal efforts through the unusually stormy winter, seems to be worn out and unable to cope with the impeding storm.
City Public Works director Darryl Braithwaite would only say “SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!”
Takoma Park Mayor Bruce Williams said “I’m going back to bed, call me Thursday – May 1!”
The entire Montgomery County Council has booked flights to Florida.
Area schools have cancelled April classes and voided the entire spring school semester.
“We’re just going to re-take the entire semester next fall.” said county school assistant-superintendent Dia Dosbobos.
Today’s Washington, DC’s primary election will continue as planned. Voters, however, are required to bring their own shovels. Since the DC mayoral contest is so heated and close, officials reason that voters will eagerly shovel a path to the polls.
“It’s our best chance at getting the sidewalks, maybe even some streets, clear.” said city representative April Dererste.
A cold front should hit the region sometime this morning. Temperatures are expected to drop to the low 30s, and the blizzard’s heavy snow and strong winds should follow shortly, ushered in by Old Man Winter himself riding a black cloud, wielding a giant icicle like a jousting spear, and laughing derisively.
Residents are warned to brace for up to two weeks of power outages, impassible roads, limited public transportation, lack of food and other goods, deadly hand-to-hand struggles for precious resources, roving packs of ravenous killer cats and dogs, and a general shortage of humor – which is ironic, considering the date.
Illustration by William L. Brown